


Be strong and hold my hand.

by Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Car Accident, Death, Emotional Manipulation, Funerals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Isolation, Loneliness, M/M, Mugging and stabbing, Non-Graphic Smut, Secrets, Song fic, Suicide, Violence, kill me, self blame, self hatred, the light behind your eyes, why did i even write this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire/pseuds/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire
Summary: Gerard's only friends- Bob, Mikey, and Ray- pass away. Three tragedies. Three deaths. Three memories. Three different forms of heartache.He's secluded himself in his house, dreading having to go to another funeral in a few days. He's trying to write one last song in honor of the three amazing people who had died. He can't think straight, he cant write anything without them.He's so broken.One day, he happens upon a boy.A boy by the name of Frank.Can this one person attempt fill the void that the other three had left?Or will he just be another passer-by that Gerard pushes away before he can get too close?





	1. So long to all my friends

**Author's Note:**

> May be triggering. First chapter of many (I hope)
> 
> Hope you enjoy, I'll update soon!

**Gerard's POV**

_'Goodbye to all of them...'_  I crumbled the paper and threw it in the general direction of the waste bin behind me, which was now overflowing with failed attempts at song lyrics. I groaned in frustration and wiped my cheeks.

_Still not right._

_'So long to all of them..'_

I started at those words for a moment before I abruptly stood up and wiped everything off my desk with my arms, sending it all crashing to the floor.

"It's no use!" I screamed to myself, pulling at my hair.

I can't think straight, but there are so many thoughts infecting my brain.

I'm exhausted, but I haven't been able to sleep.

I feel emotionless, yet somehow it still hurts.  _So, so much_ _._

"I'll never be able to do this alone! Not without _you_!" I screamed at the ceiling, as if they could actually hear me.

I accusingly pointed upward. "You shouldn't have had to go! None of you! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN  _ME!_ "

My arm fell limp and a tiny sob escaped my lips. I collapsed to the ground, holding my shirtless chest protectively with my arms. 

_"It should have been me..."_

******

I woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, catching my weight on the sink before my knees completely gave out under me. I took a deep breath and got my balance back, but not very easily. I haven't eaten much in days. I was starting to lose weight at a very fast pace, and my muscles were starting to thin out and shrivel. 

I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water onto my face, wincing when it stung my chapped lips. I decided it'd be best if I drank a little bit of it, just enough to survive. I looked up at the mirror into something from a horror film.

My eyes were surrounded in dark circles as if I was an edgy teenager who didn't know when to stop with the eyeliner. My cheeks were sunken in and more pale then they've ever been. My lips were cracking and bleeding from dehydration. My hair was greasy and stringy, worse than I've ever seen it. It was sticking in several different directions, looking confused and in need of serious guidance.

Like me.

But I refused to go to therapy, _what good would that do?_

I sighed and took off my shirt. I didn't even know how to feel about the way my body was formed. It was hunched and skinny, bony and horrific. I was gray and cold like a dead body. My ribs bulged out as well as my hip bones and collarbones. My appetite has been little to none since the first incident. I turned away from the mirror, having had enough of that mental torment.

I finished undressing and turned the water on in the shower. I stepped in, instantly feeling a bit better when the comforting warmth enveloped first my feet, then legs, abdomen, shoulders, and face. I winced a little when it ran over the disgusting scabbed wounds on my arms amd legs. I turned around and let it run over my back and hair and I let my head hang. My headache slowly started to subside.

_I really needed this._

I finished washing my hair after weeks of neglecting it, then my body and face. I started to feel dizzy from the lack of nutrition I've been getting, so I sat down below the warm stream pouring down on me like a blissful waterfall. I pulled my knees to my chest and leaned my head back. I gave my mind too much time to take over and then.. 

Oh god 

The memories flashed.

_The phone call_

_The discovery_

_And the visit._

Every image that flashed through my mind left a mark in my head. My ears started to ring and the headache shot through again. I covered my ears attempting to stop the noise but I knew it would have no affect, because it was all in my head. I let out a cry in pain as I rocked back and forth trying to wait it out. It hurt more and more, it got louder and louder, until it just suddenly stopped.

I realized I was practically screaming and sobbing, I was ripping at my hair and laying back trying to do anything to get it to stop.

I looked down to see blood covering my lips, neck, chest, and thighs. It was mixing with the water to make a faint orange, and it was running down the drain.

Before I completely panicked, I realized it was only a nose bleed. I stood up and rinsed myself, then I turned off the water and grabbed a towel. I dried off and put on only boxers, because no one was gonna see me anyway.

I went back to my room and looked at the mess I had created the night before. I sighed, then picked everything up and put it back in its place. I sat on my bed and stared at the floor for a while. I hate thinking how I have to go to yet another reminder that I'm alone- Bob's funeral.

_What could I have done differently to change what had happened??_

I laid back and looked over, then curled up into a ball and held my pillow for dear life. I took a deep breath and realized something

This isn't my pillow.

 _It's Mikeys_.

I looked at it for a moment, then took another deep breath.

_It smelled like him._

I let out an involuntary sob and held his pillow tighter than before.

"Mikey.." I whimpered.

"Why'd you have to go?"

I muffled my cries and screams of anger and sorrow into his pillow.

I don't have anyone now.

_Not Mikey._

_Not Ray._

_Not Bob._

These last few weeks have been absolute hell.

_Three tragedies._

_Three deaths._

_Three memories._

_Three forms of heartache._

They were all I had...

Writing music always helped, but I can't do it, not without them.

Not without Mikey.

Everything avalanched the day Ray and I got into an argument.

So technically, this is all my fault.

"I'm so sorry, guys.

So, so sorry." I whispered into Mikey's pillow.

If only I had done something different those seven days before the fight, maybe be even the fifty three days after, none of this would have happened.

They would all be here.

I wouldn't be alone.

And I wouldn't be missing them tonight.

 

 

**_~sixty days earlier~_ **


	2. Time becomes for us, you'll understand.

**Third person POV**

Tour was going south.

Of course, everyone needs their own space to keep their sanity, but there was no such thing as personal space here.

You couldn't even take a shit without having someone in the same room invading your space.

"Fucking Christ Gerard, can't you wait until I'm done brushing my teeth?" Ray said angrily as he avoided looking at the exposed man behind him.

"Had to go, wasn't gonna hold it in." Gerard retorted. 

"But  _now?_ Really??"

Gerard shrugged.

"Ugh. Asshole." Ray slammed his toothbrush into the cup and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

 

"Damn, what got into him?"

*******

"Of course I love you, but I'm just not in the mood." Mikey said quietly as he scooted away from Ray.

The other two guys went out for some veggie burgers and Ray was hoping he'd get some alone time with his lover before they got back.

But Mikey's been acting strange for the past couple weeks.

"Mikes, you haven't let me touch you in days. What's the matter?" Ray said with worry in his voice.

"It's nothing.." Mikey's voice broke and he held onto the arm of the couch for dear life.

"Baby.. you can tell me anything. I love you." He said reassuringly.

"Well... I-I.." Mikey broke down and sobbed into his hands. 

"Shhhh... It's okay, baby." Ray whispered gently as he scooted closer to Mikey. He rubbed his back and held him close, letting him cry in his lap.

"It's okay."

*******

The guys came back about 15 minutes after Mikey had his breakdown, noisily busting through the door and laughing at an unknown joke.

"Hey, shh! Mikey's sleeping" Ray whispered.

"Finally" Gerard stated "it's been days."

"You know what's wrong?"

"Nah." Bob said as he scratched his cheek.

"No. He's been acting weird for days, but he won't talk to me." Gerard said.

"He won't talk to me, either. He won't let me touch him." 

"I don't need information on yours and my brothers sex life, Ray." Gerard chuckled. Then Gerard realized maybe that's what's gotten into him. Maybe Ray is sexually frustrated and upset his boyfriend won't talk to him.

"It's getting late." Bob broke the silence.

"I think I'm gonna stay here."

"No" Gerard interrupted him. "One more show, and then we go home. We need it to be our best. You never know which ones our last. Go to bed, Ray. I'll get him to his bunk-"

"It's okay. I got him." Ray proceeded to gently scoop up his boyfriend and take him to his bunk, then climb in with him and close the curtains.

 _Mikey had been crying, that much was obvious._ Gerard thought.  _I need to find out why._

  
********

The next few days were worse.

It was like Ray and Gerard were battling over Mikey, trying to be his shoulder to cry on.

It was three days after that night when they had their last show, _just three days before the first incident._

"Sound check, five minutes!" Bob yelled back into the dressing room. Mikey flinched when he heard the voice boom through the hall.

Ray and Gerard were sitting uncomfortably on either side of Mikey, squished because the couch was definitely not meant for three.

"You sure you're well enough for tonight, baby?" Ray asked.

"I'm fine."

"Do you need anything?" Gerard said quietly.

"No."

They exchanged glares, trying to silently tell the other man to go away.

"Do you-"

Mikey jumped up and groaned in frustration.

"I see what you're doing here, and I hate it!" He yelled, turning back to the two most important people in his life.

"I can tell you're both trying to win me over, and I HATE IT!" His voice cracked, guilt overtaking the two boys on the couch.

"Stop trying to make me choose! No, I don't need your water! No, I don't want a massage! No, I don't want your pity! All I want is some SPACE!" He turned away and stormed off.

They sat silently for a moment.

"Good job, fucking idiot." Ray scoffed.

"Me? I'm his brother you asshole! I'm family! I'm blood, I'll always come before you! You're just his fuck toy!"

"Oh. I see how it is."

As Ray calmly stood up, Gerard sort of felt bad for that last part.

"So if I'm just a fuck toy and he hasn't fucked me in days, does that mean I'm worthless to him?"

Gerard sort of winced. 

"Ok. I get it now." He walked towards the door and opened it, but turned back to Gerard.

"One more thing." He said quietly, Gerard looking up intently. "Who's shoulder has he been crying on for the past several days? Who did he whisper to in his sleep three nights ago when he had a nightmare? The nightmare that has been haunting him for those past several days? Not you. I know his darkest secret, but his own family and blood doesn't. Think about that." And he closed the door quietly behind him.

Gerard sat in stunned silence.

Secret?

*******

The show that night was off, but still great. Three of them were obviously distracted, while Bob didn't pay much attention to it and preformed beautifully like normal. Even distracted, the other boys were still amazing. Gerard still jumped around and poured his soul into the crowd. Ray still played his heart out and screamed his background vocals. Even though Mikey was still in distress and crying a little throughout the proformance, he still played perfectly. But something was missing.

It always has been.

Like... A little bit of rhythm.

******

Back on the bus, everyone was quite.

Mikey was sad and refused eye contact with anyone.

Ray and Gerard were secretly hating on each other.

Bob seemed nervous. He was awkward and fidgity.

"So how do some veggie burgers sound?" 

Mikey jumped and cleared his throat.

"No thank you." He whispered quietly. Fearfully.

"I could go for one." Ray shrugged.

"I'm good." Gerard said darkly.

"Ok then, let's go Ray." Bob smiled. Ray shot a glare at Gerard, who was sitting by his boyfriend and taking his chance to be alone. He was still battling for his brothers favoritism.

Pathetic.

After Gerard heard the door close, he immediately started on Mikey.

"You know that Ray knows, right?"

"W-what do you mean?"

"He told me that he knows about 'thaf night'. He knows your darkest secret."

"And he didn't tell me?"

"That's right." He scoffed, trying to sound genuine. He was trying to make Ray seem like the bad guy.

"I could have been talking to someone this entire time! He's seriously just sitting back, taking pity, and letting me suffer silently?!" 

"I suppose so."

"That asshole!" Tears of anger began to pour from his eyes. He stood up and stormed to his bunk, dramatically ripping the curtains closed.

Gerard smiled a sick smile as he realized he had defeated Ray.

*******

 Two more days remaining.

Everything was strangely calm, no arguments took place all day and there wasn't that sickening feeling of tension in the air like before.

They were on their way home, at last, and they mostly stayed in their own bunks the whole ride.

******

It was so quiet and peaceful for those couple days, until Ray stormed in on Gerard in the bathroom with fire in his eyes the next night.

"YOU TOLD HIM!!?!"

"what are you talking abo-"

"You seriously cut in and told him that I KNEW?!!" His voice was harshly piercing through the cool air that the bus was letting deep through every crevis.

"Why is he so angry with me?!! What else did you say!?!"

"Nothing. I let him figure it out on his own." Gerard shrugged as he tucked the towel firmly around his waste to free his hands.

"Figure WHAT out!?"

"That you were, he said and I quote, 'sitting back, taking pity, and letting him suffer silently'." 

Ray violently shoved Gerard back into the wall.

"You turned my boyfriend against me!? Seriously!??" He scoffed. "You're pathetic. Fuck this, fuck you, fuck this tour. I'm going home." He stormed out, and Gerard could hear him tell the driver to pull over. He said he was going to get a car at the rental building three miles back, and that he was going to walk.

Gerard smiled.

He dressed and went to bed happily.

He had won.

*******

Today was the start of the fifty three days in hell.

No, this was so much worse than hell.

This was more like the purgatory.

The three remaining guys were silently making coffee when the phone rang.

Gerard looked around. No sign of Ray, and his bag was gone.

He really had gotten a car and left.

Mikey seemed to recognize the number, and he frantically answered with wide eyes.

"Hello? Ray??" 

An inaudible voice spoke, worry spreading across his face.

"Y-yes. This is him." He continued.

After a few moments, his jaw dropped. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he looked up at the wall, his eyes filled with horror. He hung up and dropped the phone.

"What's wrong?" Bob asked.

He collapsed to the ground, no emotion except for what terror we could see in his eyes and the tears staining his cheeks. He clenched his fist, rested his forehead on the ground, then pounded his hand against the tile.

"NO!" He screamed. "THIS C-CANT BE H-HAPPENEING!" He choked on his sobs. 

I knelt down beside him, trying to calm him. "Hey, Mike? What's the matter what happened??"

Guilt washed over me as he spoke.

"It's Ray!" He screamed. "Ray! H-he.." He choked again. "Ray c-crashed that car h-he rented this morning.. HES DEAD, GERARD!" He collapsed into my arms, my heart suddenly dropping.

This was my fault. I pushed him.

Ray didn't have to go, but I pushed him.

There's no going back now.

Ray was dead. And there's no bringing him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there's any spelling errors, it's like two am and I'm sooo tired


End file.
